November 13, 2006

Paradigm Shifts

I realize, as I get older and my attitudes harden, that I do not "do" paradigm shifts well. I've had two here recently, and I'm still kind of reeling. It's really stupid, because in most ways, they are good changes.

The first one, which I've mentioned before but still amazes me, is the whole getting-my-body-and-energy-back thing. The biggest shift in my mentality is knowing that when I'm tired or sick or whatever, it will get better. For those other years, that just didn't happen; I was the world's biggest, limpest dishrag, and vacillated between sluggish movement when required, and no movement at all even when it was required (fortunately, breastfeeding is mostly done sitting down.) So now, whenever I get those sluggish days, and then I feel better, I keep saying, "Oh, yeah, that's right, it's not forever." And then I'm irritated because a) I wonder why I didn't remember that in the first place, instead of being all down about whatever wasn't getting accomplished, and b) I Hate Change. Even changing my mind. Especially changing my mind.

Of course, the more recent one is the whole allergy thing. I'm about sick of writing about it, so I can only imagine how my loyal readers feel, but I think this'll be the end. I feel really stupid because, truly, it's good to know what the problem is. The way ahead of me to work on fixing it is very, very clear. How much better is that than how it's been for years? Also, I feel stupid to be a bit depressed for two reasons: first, it's not as if there's a new diagnosis. I'm not suddenly condemned to death, serious flatulence, or chronic Republicanism. I already had the symptoms, and now they're just labeled. Second, it could be so, so much worse. Hey, it's not cancer (and as a result of one ultrasound, one X-ray, plus all the tests I got while pregnant, I can now reveal that pretty much everything in my torso is in good working order, or "within normal limits.") And yet I am a bit down, in part because...I have to change my thinking. The other drag on my mentality is the huge number of things I have to do as preventative medicine. Knowing that if I don't do them, I'll have myself to blame for increased symptoms is totally not a happy feeling. And that feels stupid, too...how many people would be delighted to have some control over their illness? Instead, I just want to not feel guilty.

So, today is Donkey Day. I'm somewhere between Eeyore and Old Benjamin. But hey, like Scarlett says, "Tomorrow is another day..." (Let's not even go to Macbeth, though....)

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